The following is a collection of some of my thoughts, expressed through human words. Some of them include timestamps on when I wrote those thoughts down first, which isn’t necessarily the first time I’ve had them. Thoughts are strange that way.

Some thoughts come with additional notes on the situation and environment I was in at the time, and the activity I was engaging in.

Most of them use the English language, some the German one, and some both.

Enjoy! (or don’t. Who am I to tell you how to feel)

If cancer is also an unhealthy form of rapid growth, what about the greedy quest to grow one’s knowledge? – 1 Jan 2023, 16:58, on a walk

According to stoicism, the goal of life is living in agreement with nature, which in the face of man-made climate change is one hell of an undertaking. – 2 Jan 2023, 14:04, in bed

Feel trapped in my own 4 walls too much. Need to get out. But where else is there to go when the walls keep ever expanding, and yet simultaneously seem like they’re locked in place. – 2 Jan 2023, 16:32, on toilet

For too long I think, thoughts mainly went into my mind, and have been circling around in there, instead of traversing from it into the minds of others, at least the interesting ones. I’ve been wanting to change that for a while now, but struggle to find a fitting way to do so. And then there’s the challenge of formulating it all in a concise and comprehensible way. And a couple other things… – 3 Jan 2023, 01:12, at PC

Reading philosophy now in my late 20s, it’s kinda nice finding out that I arrived by my own thinking at some of the wisdom of history’s great thinkers, acknowledging of course the trickling down of ideas through society and the ages. – 3 Jan 2023, 14:48, in bed

I often feel like I can see till the end of it all, the way there with all the steps, but like a million images at once. Life, a series of waking up, having to eat, drink, keep the body clean and healthy, exercise, and going to sleep again. Inbetween there’s sometimes work, exhaustion, sometimes fun and joy, reading books and watching movies, playing games and listening to music, or creating any of those things. Poems, podcasts, stories, conversations, all growing ever more the same as I stuff more information into my head. Is this why creatives, myself included, seek to make new things? Everything already there looking more and more the same as one unravels what’s behind its outer facade… human history, in hindsight and visions of the future, a series of peace and war, politics and religion, arts and culture, people trying to live together and yet as their own, exploring and expressing themselves without growing too distant nor bashing each others heads in. Growing older, starting families, evolution taking its course. Love and friendship, heartbreak and loss. Careers and communities, the cycle of civilizations big and small, a planet driven to the brink. New tech and new ideas, yet are they really? Or just the same in new form. Always on a quest for more knowledge to do the same thing differently. No time to hold still. Hungering for more, like the food we need to sustain these machines of flesh, until one day maybe we shed it for a different yet similar skin, but will we ever be able to break free of the eternal prison of our own nature, and the eternal laws of existence it’s all balanced on, thermodynamics and all? An exhausting thought. I’m hungry. Think I’ll be having those sandwiches now. – 3 Jan 2023, 17:14, while making myself some sandwiches

Add to the last thought… this is often part of why I stop playing games or don’t even wanna start. I can just see what’s going on and what it’s about and thus feel like I’ve seen it all already. Having played a ton of games and analytically so. – 3 Jan 2023, 17:28, still making those sandwiches while listening to a game design podcast

In the constant push and pull of things, true balance is achieved by standing still in the middle, the 0 between positives and negatives. – 4 Jan 2023, 00:45, in room

Why am I doing this? “Wasting” my time on it? To what end? – 4 Jan 2023, 01:08, on toilet

So, my tonsils just started to burn like hell last night. Has mostly subsided now tho. So much for a good night’s sleep. – 4 Jan 2023, 14:29

What good is knowledge unused? At the very least I want to pass on my knowledge to others in the hope that it benefits them. But what parts of my knowledge are original and novel enough, and not just basically the same as that of others already written down? In today’s world of information overload and general ease of access to the Internet, how much of a difference does it make if it’s just more of the same? And yet it’d at least be better than for people to stumble upon false and misleading information. If not a pioneer, than at least a guide. – 9 Jan 2023, 00:35, in room

Freedom is also uncertainty, and uncertainty leads to anxiety. – 10 Jan 2023, 01:38, in bed reading Kierkegaard

So many thoughts, such little time… – 10 Jan 2023, 03:49

I feel like quitting my current job. It’s stressing me out almost all the time I’m supposed to work. Do I need the money? Kinda but not really that much right now. Not having a definitive plan B sucks tho. The stuff I get to to most of the time feels largely meaningless to me, especially in the grander scheme of it all. I don’t really enjoy the work anymore. Some say “work isn’t supposed to be enjoyed” but that I disagree, or I should perhaps find a better way of formulating what I actually mean. It gives me very little sense of accomplishment amongst other things. I’d rather do other things. Things one could certainly get paid for too. All my colleagues are really nice people. Pay is ok for the hours, tho on the whole not much. I don’t wanna do the art tasks coming in. Is it “just” depression? I don’t think so. There’s unresolved issues not getting adressed properly. The thought of doing more work literally gave me a panic attack a couple weeks back. Yet the thought of quitting makes me very stressed too. Mostly cause I have fear majorly disappointing folks, or making their live harder somehow. Even writing all this is raising my blood pressure. I should go to sleep. But then I have to wake up tomorrow still having to figure this out. There’s also the damn game dev meetup tomorrow and I kinda don’t wanna go. The repetition of all the things is, I feel, slowly driving me insane. Bit much? Perhaps. I see too many patterns. My life’s been too similar for too long I feel. But it’s hard to break out. Gotta shave and wash hair before I leave the damn house. “Have to” meaning I’d look like shit otherwise. The thing is, whether I want to work or not, I mostly and often can’t seem to be doing the things requested of me anymore, so what good is staying there unless I’d be getting unfairly payed for just sitting on my “lazy” ass. But making a poster for our team feels not much more meaningful. – 12 Jan 2023, 02:00

If in doubt, just think that you’re the smartest person in the room (even if not actully true). Helps with the confidence. Mask off. Honest. Direct. Spare no detail of thought. – 17 Jan 2023

Anger really is a good energy source. Just gotta use it carefully. – 17 Jan 2023

“If you can’t say the words, write them.” Thx mom! – 17 Jan 2023

Writing things down has certainly been one of the better ideas in a long time. Wonder what took me so long to really get into the habit. – 17 Jan 2023, 05:00

I used to like being alone. Now I don’t really anymore. Guess I now have social contacts I actually like.– 15 Jul 2023

One of the things that makes depression so hard is that it makes you doubt your positive feelings, but in order to overcome it you have to doubt your every negative feeling and thought. Doubt in any case. – 17 Jan 2023, 05:03

Original thought, do not steal! – 19 Jan 2023, 04:29, in bed

Always keep on learning. – 19 Jan 23, 04:29, in bed

Our most accepted beliefs are also our least challenged ones. – 20 Jan 2023, 02:46, at PC

An idea no matter how profound matters little if not put into reality by executing on it. – 21 Jan 2023

Just learned about Benedictus Spinoza and his thoughts on substance monism. Good stuff! – 23 Jan 2023

If life were a seesaw, would chaos and order be on opposite sides with balance in the middle, or would order be there with chaos bringing it to move. But where would balance be then? – 25 Jan 2023, 03:45, on toilet

The more is known, the more complicated decisions become. – 25 Jan 2023

Everything read has been written in the past. – 26 Jan 2023, 01:06, in bed

Consciousness, what is it rly? What does it take? When did it actually come to be? Humans, animals, brains, octopuses, conjoined twins, neurons, electrical signals. If a tree falls in the forest and no one’s there to perceive it… but what if everything perceives in a way. Even the tree and the rocks it falls on. – 26 Jan 2023, 02:27, in bed reading Other Minds by Peter Godfrey-Smith

Conscious thought, relation to novelty versus routine. I notice even when drawing and doing processes I’m more vs less familiar with.– 28 jan 2023, 16:10, reading Other Minds, page 150

I keep thinking every now and then about how on a big scale to best bring fundamental parts of knowledge about our world to people who don’t know it yet. You’d think the education system would do, but it’s not wholy sufficient, partially outdated, and at times even under attack by malevolent political and other factors. The Internet, with all its mostly freely available swathes of knowledge hasn’t yet led to it either. – 31 Jan 2023, 15:10

Always keep learning things throughout your life. Stay curious, question and analyse the world around you and your part in it. Try to understand how things work. Keep an open mind. Build from fundamental knowledge to specific details. Find and learn from the best people and sources, saves time and all. – 4 Feb 2023

Don’t be afraid of making mistakes. Failing is alright, just remember to get back up again. Trial and error. Iteration. Do be careful not to cause yourself or anyone else harm tho. – 4 Feb 2023

Find what works for you. – 4 Feb 2023

Try to see things from other people’s perspective. – 4 Feb 2023

You don’t have to be liked by everyone. – 4 Feb 2023

It’s possible to achieve so much more working with others than any one of us can achieve alone. – 4 Feb 2023

Don’t much concern yourself with things you don’t have much influence on. – 4 Feb 2023

Is automation opposed to agency? – 05 Feb 2024, 03:29, at PC at home

One likely gets further and faster ahead in human societal life according to certain standards when one forms and makes use of connections with other people, so personally I find it kinda hilarious to have a “trouble initiating any kind of contact with folks” sorta brain. – 08 Feb 2023, 18:35, at PC

I think it’s weird when people on the one hand make fun of folks totally unfamiliar with the Internet world for not going with the times etc. or praising all the real positive impact that can but then also dismiss things happening pretty much only on the Internet as something not noteworthy, overblown, not really impactful, or the like. – 09 Feb 2023, 02:11, at PC

Every rule must be beholden to the more fundamental rules it’s standing upon, no? Broadly speaking: Math > Physics > Chemistry > Biology > Psychology etc. This also suggests that patterns found in the more fundamental rules can be found in the upper layers. – 11 Feb 2023, 14:07, in room

Relevance is relative. – 11 Feb 2023, 21:50, at PC

It’s disturbing that some of history’s greatest thinkers’ appeals for being skeptical and thinking for oneself, which were meant to free people from restrictive thinking, are nowadays often used by Schwurblers and viewed with suspicion by actual rational and reasonable people. – 12 Feb 2023, 03:00, at PC

Living through history one stands on the shoulders of ever more giants. – 17 Feb 2023, 14:58, eating toast

Imagining and graphing the distribution of wealth and power of eg. a nation as solid forms, like a pyramid or a cube. – 11 Apr 2023 16:00, in bed reading history

Regret is such an abyssmal feeling. – 19 Jul 2023

Finding out a friend has an opinion on something that clashes with your own is rough. – 31 Jul 2023, 02:56

Death gives meaning to life. Death is life’s opposite. So do opposites, juxtaposition, contrast and differences create meaning? – 01 Sept 2023

Emotions either giving or taking energy, moving or restraining you to do something? – Mon, 18 Sept 2023, 20:41, while looking at emotion grid of ‘Emotion gestalten’ book

Somehow this is all connected. Phil’s death, natural disasters, Climate change, fossil fuels, consumer and work culture, sustainability, interpersonal relationships, capitalism, inequality, human behavior, new tech. – Winter 2023

One of the strongest powers there are is knowing that you’re loved by someone, cause I also know what it’s like to not have that. – 17 Jan 24, 00:24, at home while reading the last chapter of ‘A Wrinkle in Time’

I feel like the paradox of depression is that the things one needs to feel better are also harder to get by oneself or harder to stomach in general. It’s that the range of limits at which things become too much or too little is narrowed, pressed together in a way. – 31 jan 24, 19:12, talking to my sister at home

Feedback & responsibility, Rückmeldung & Verantwortung. In the words is a connection in meaning about communication. – 02 Feb 2024, 14:11, in bed at home

The core of tragedy: “You’re hurting me, but it’s not your fault.” – 02 Feb 2024, 17:33

Is automation opposed to agency? – 05 Feb 2024, 03:29, at PC at home

I think it’s weird when people on the one hand make fun of folks totally unfamiliar with the Internet world for not going with the times etc. or praising all the real positive impact it can have, but then also dismiss things happening pretty much only on the Internet as something not noteworthy, overblown, not really impactful, or the like. – 09 Feb 23, 02:11, at PC

Narren haben nicht die Weisheit zu sehen was sie noch nicht berücksichtigt haben. Und in der Berücksichtigung steckt wörtlich das Zurückblicken, das Reflektieren über Vergangenes und bereits Geschehenes. – 9 Feb 2024, 16:43, sitting in living room reading the book User Friendly

Is the user-friendly paradox paired with the automation paradox slowly driving us towards a paradigm shift in life purpose? – 9 Feb 2024, 17:00, sitting in living room reading the book User Friendly

Freedom means not going the same way as others. To tread where no one is right now. In physics as in thought. – 22 Feb 2024, 23:08, watching a series with mom

The “more effort for less result” for autistic people essentially means that many usual advice and solutions don’t work, as the path of least resistance looks different. – 25 feb 2024, 15:10, in bed reading an article about autistic burnout

Forgettfulness, feedback, asking for confirmation, pokemon battle switch – 04 Feb 24, 13:00, in bed at home reading ‘User Friendly’ by Cliff Kuang

“Be sure not to choke on your aspirations”, dünne Luft da oben an der Spitze eines Bergs, einer Pyramide, einer Hierarchie, wenige Leute, eng, wie in high ELO wenn man immer mit den gleichen Leuten spielt. – 27 Feb 2024, 21:03, watching Rogue One, Szene als Darth Vader Director Krennic choked

In survival mode one hardly has the means to improve one’s situation so as to escape it. Related to Malthusian trap? – 02 Mar 2024

Wer das Weltbild einer Person verändert, verändert die Welt. – 7 Mar 24, 14:50, on toilet at home

Eine Aktivität um die Leere zu füllen = Design, Gestalt Theorie, Weltbildung – 14 Mar 24

It’s often said that we stand on the shoulder’s of giants. I like to think we also stand on the shoulders of every single being that came before us. – 08 Mar 2024

Existenz über Zeit ist ein Prozess der Entkopplung und Wiederkopplung, der Entbindung und Verbindung. – 9 Mar 2024

The past is knowing, the present being, the future doing. – 10 Mar 2024

Eine Aktivität um die Leere zu füllen = Design, Gestalt Theorie, Weltbildung – 14 Mar 2024

I live in a prison of my own mind’s making, the horizon of which I continuously approach, only to see it just as far away. – 20 Mar 2024, 00:30, in bed in mom’s room

A curse to know so much, yet be able to change only so little. – 11 May 2024

The “more effort for less result” for autistic people essentially means that much of the usual advice and many solutions don’t work, as the path of least resistance looks different. – 25 Feb 2024, 15:10, in bed reading an article about autistic burnout

If all the -isms are a result of the play element in human culture (according to Huizinga), what about autism?

Marken haben Macht über uns – 9 Apr 2025

“Time-blindness” in the context of Attention Deficit Disorder ist just a matter of perception, as most diagnoses have been diagnosed by older people who perceive time faster or differently. – 19 Mar 2025

Not everything that can be counted, counts.

Complexity in the world, simplicity in the mind.

As long as we live there’s always a choice.

No two minds think alike. It would be boring and absurd if they would think entirely alike, for nothing new would ever be created if they did. – Jan 2026

Mind, body, and soul, are three different things. Closely connected, yes, but different nonetheless. Why else would we have three different words for them. – 06 Jan 2026, 21:21

Angst ist eine Zukunftsemotion.– 2025

“Deutsche Sprache, schwere Sprache” heißt es so oft. Gemeint ist damit meist, dass Deutsch eine Sprache ist, die schwer zu lernen ist. Sie ist aber auch schwer, weil sie so viel wiegt, im Gewicht. Wäre Deutsch ein Buch, die gesamte Sprache quasi in einem oder mehreren Bänden abgedruckt, würde sie sicherlich eine Menge Tonnen wiegen. Das tut sie gewissermaßen auch tatsächlich, wenn man sich alle deutschsprachige Literatur und Geschichte ansieht welche in all den Bibliotheken lagert. Deutsch ist also im wahrsten Sinne des Wortes, oder um es Englisch auszudrücken, quite literally, eine schwere Sprache. – 13 Jan 2026, 00:43, in bed in a hotel in Austria

Wo ist sie, diese Mitte der Gesellschaft von der des öfteren gesprochen wird? – 13 Jan 2026, 00:46, on toilet

You can learn a lot about another person by having a look at their library. Or their YouTube front page. Or their online search history. – 2020s

“Nie wieder Krieg” heißt auch keinen neuen anzufangen, keinen bestehenden zu verlängern, und herauszufinden wie bisherige überhaupt erst anfingen, damit sie es nie wieder tun. – 2025